If you spend enough time on social media, you've probably seen the "I bet this many of my friends won't share this, but I've got your six" posts along with a crisis hotline number from someone who claims "I'm just a phone call away!" The hard to swallow truth is that the crisis hotline numbers are in those posts because your friend or family member that claims to only be a phone call away realistically probably wouldn't answer the phone if it was the sheriff's department was calling them to let them know it was too late. Your friend or family member that "just gets you" and posts the inspirational messages that get you through another day probably has enough of their own problems that they're trying to manage and doesn't have room on their plate for yours flooding their inbox. The truth is, nobody wants to hear about your problems, that's why therapists get paid to do their job. On top of that, being a therapist doesn't make them immune to mental illness, which is why the very profession that exists to prevent suicide also has the highest suicide rate of any occupation. Therapists often need their own therapist. It's not realistic to hold friends, family, or even your therapist to the expectation of saving you from a crisis. Going to therapy is a big step towards self-improvement, but it doesn't just come to you, you have to go to it. In the past two years, most group therapy sessions like NA, AA, and AL-ANON no longer meet in person due to Covid concerns. The ironic concept of virtual group therapy to address isolation is an anomaly that can perpetuate the very issue it exists to resolve. Most therapists have a long waiting list, or aren't accepting new clients because they're swamped. You can make the calls and put in the effort to seek help, and you should. However, leaving a voicemail is a poor substitute for a listening ear, so listen to what I'm about to say very clearly, and I say this out of love because those people might not have the courage to say it themselves: You're on your own.
Personal battles with my mental health have taken a toll not only on myself but the people around me. I do not expect anyone to pull me out of it, as it's my own responsibility to change my perspectives. As a single man approaching 40 without family around, the hurdles of isolation and seasonal depression seem higher with the holiday season in full swing. Being between seasonal employment and outdoor recreation opportunities, idle hands send my mind into overdrive reliving the trauma and mistakes I've made it through in the past year. Working long hours has helped me push through difficult personal challenges, but working to forget the past is a poor substitute for working to build a future. Henry David Thoreau said, "It's not enough to be busy. The question is, 'what are we busy about?'" This speaks to staying busy to avoid dealing with our problems vs. working towards goals with a sense of purpose. For years, I've dealt with trauma by piling on long hours as a workaholic, purposefully exhausting myself so that it's easier to win the battle with insomnia, calm the thoughts in my mind, make it through another day to get some rest. Staying busy and focused working on the job at hand has always been a distraction from working on my own problems. When I find myself taking on more than I can handle, there will inevitably be some point in which things slow down and I'm forced to face my demons. That's usually when seasonal depression hits harder for people like me during the holidays, when people take time off to spend with their families.
While it's easy to put down my phone and isolate myself from the social media onslaught of elf on a shelf, santa photos, pinterest decorating, family gatherings, meals, gift exchanges, etc. it is almost impossible to escape the inundation of "holiday spirit" everything. I'm counting down the days for it to come and go so I can move on from what almost feels like a toxic positivity that slows down my healing processes. I also have to acknowledge that the toxic negativity of my own personal perspectives surrounding the holidays isn't helpful to people who just want to enjoy those simple pleasures. So, I do my best to keep it to myself while roaming the aisles at the grocery store to the tune of "Jingle Bell Rock" driving home past light displays while "All I Want for Christmas is You" is on every radio station. It seems selfish to have the thought "This too shall pass" while it seems like everyone is enjoying the down time of the holidays, and making the most of what little quality time they have with their families.
George Bernard Shaw said, "Two things define you: Your patience when you have nothing and your attitude when you have everything." If you have everything, you should certainly have an attitude of excitement for the holidays. At times when I feel like I have nothing, I try to pause for a moment to reflect on gratitude for what I do have, and redirect my thoughts. Thoreau also said, "As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."
When we deviate from the pathways of positive thinking, we might stop for directions, or receive suggestions on what route to take to bring us back to happiness. Sometimes you may even have to go to the end of the road just to realize you've made a wrong turn. If you get lost in this way of thinking, expect to self-rescue, because no one is coming. Possessing the skills of self-sufficiency, or even just being hyper-independent as a trauma response, also means being capable of coping and climbing your way out of the pits of depression to find purpose again, if for no other reason than survival.
